Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
