I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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