i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
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