The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
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you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
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WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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