dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
wanna go halves on a baby?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
