to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
