Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize