he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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