Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
