I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Randomize
