i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
please come you make the beer taste better
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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