cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
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A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
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When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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