I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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