drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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