If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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