I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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