nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
My dick has a subreddit
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
