I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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