My room smells like vodka and shame
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
