fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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