my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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