If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
