I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
