He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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