Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
