shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
