im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Someone shattered a urinal.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
how do you play pong handcuffed?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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