i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
