We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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