I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
