I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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