i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
