Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
