I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
