I want to make a zoo with you.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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