my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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