The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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