he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
