it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
No subtext here. People are naked.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
