John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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