just come out here and I will go home with you...
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Randomize
