I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
