I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
