Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
