Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
where are my eyebrows?
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