theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
