I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
