I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
