dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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