I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
