if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Duck Duck Cougar?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
