Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
