When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
