I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
