Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
