One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
