I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
