By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
