Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
