my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I am available for nakedness
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
