It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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